Remembrance
by XrystalPond
Summary: Chloe remembers the life changing events of her life.
1. Sitting at Graduation

I disclaim  
  
It is funny how much your life can change. I always thought that my life would be ordinary. Sure I had dreams of being the great opera sensation of the Western World, but that just wasn't meant to be right now. Instead dreams and priorities change. Had you asked me 4 years ago where I wanted to be sitting, graduation at Salem University would have ranked just above hell. I could not imagine myself happily sitting through this ceremony with a boring senator droning on about our fabulous potential while we fan ourselves with the thin paper programs that list the names of all the graduates. Four years ago I sat in a similar position, only I was graduating from high school then. Many of the characters were the same…Belle Black, Shawn Brady and Mimi Lockhart. Our parents are sitting in a similar manner to that day so long ago too. There are a few notable exceptions. Belle and Shawn are back together just as they should be. It is as if that incident with Jan and her baby never happened. Mimi and I are actually friends. It is hard to believe, as 4 years ago I would have rather have made friends with anyone other than Mimi "the follower" Lockhart as I called her. However, Mimi has changed too. She is a much softer and quieter person now. She and Belle have lived together for the past three years in the apartment next to mine.  
  
You would think that would be the major change in my life. Yet it really seems to be a minor victory in the scheme of things. Others might guess that the major change in my life is the relationship with my mother Nancy and stepfather Craig. I have actually grown to appreciate them for all their quirkiness and love. That is not to say we always get along, it is just that our fights are no longer the long drawn out battles of my teen years. The foremost change in my life would have to be Hannah Isabella, my three-year-old daughter who is currently sitting on my mother's lap. I am sure that many people would be shocked at the effect she has had on my life. I suppose I should explain just what has happened to change me from the melancholy teen-ager into the single mom/college graduate.  
  
It all started during the spring of my senior year. It is a turbulent time for any young person with all the decisions and feelings of the whole world opening up for you. This was no exception for me. I had auditioned for Julliard, my lifelong dream, and was eagerly awaiting their reply. I owed much of my audition success to my best friend, Brady Black. He had really helped me connect with my emotions and I felt closer to him than anyone. That may seem strange, as I had reunited with my boyfriend Philip Kiriakis. Looking back I can see that Philip and I just used each other. He used me as a token girlfriend…the one he took to the movies and hung out with at Dot.com. Unfortunately I did not realize it at the time, nor did I realize I was using him too. I really did not mean to, it just happened. I knew how he felt about me so the relationship was safe. I had all these preconceived ideas of love from my somewhat turbulent childhood, Philip behaved just as I expected him to. He was distrusting, possessive and immature. Yet at that time, I thought I did not deserve anything more. I am not telling you this for pity, I just want you to know the real me.  
  
Even though Philip and I were a couple, most of memories of that time are of Brady. I never felt safer than I did in Brady's arms. He would listen to me and in his sort of arrogant way tell me his opinion of what I should do. At first it was disconcerting to have someone know me that well, but I came rely on him more than I wanted to admit. Maybe that reliance on him helped deepen my admiration for him and eventually lead to the feeling of love. I can even admit it now that I loved him. I couldn't admit it then.  
  
Not long after my high school graduation I received a letter from Julliard. I knew exactly whom I wanted to share this with. I rushed straight to Brady's apartment and practically beat down the door. My hands were shaking with the anticipation. Brady patiently waited for me open the letter and share the news with him. I looked at the letter and did not even have to tell him my wonderful news. He could read it in my eyes. 


	2. That summer

Chapter 2  
  
That day at Brady's apartment forever changed my life. I can still feel the strength of his arms as he was swinging me around in celebration. It was then that I felt free enough to express my feelings to him. They came out in a rush, an almost jumbled mess. His facial expression changed as he listened to my rambling admission and then he bowled me over with his own admission.  
  
Maybe I should feel guilty about what transpired. I was still dating Philip at the time and yet he was the furthest thing from my thoughts. It was as though a dam had burst and the feelings that Brady and I had kept bottled up were now free flowing. Neither of us could think fast enough to let out all the emotions that were now at the surface. So there I stood in his arms feeling the sensations of love and not even caring what tragedy could befall us. It was just like my dreams only better.  
  
His lips met mine with a need and power that I had never experienced before. I could feel his skin beneath my hands as I pulled off his shirt and ran my hands along the muscles of his chest. He gently though vigorously led me back to his bedroom. There were no words between us. I am not sure that there could even be words to describe what we were feeling. I stared into his eyes as I reclined on his bed. Our clothes becoming rumpled piles on the floor.  
  
It was my first time and perhaps I should have felt scared or nervous, but those were the last things I felt. Whispered words of affection and love came from both of our mouths as we continued the slow assault on each other's bodies. His hand lightly separated my legs before he inserted his finger into my core. The perpetual motion of his finger drove me mad with passion for him. Our kissing became more and more fervent. His lips traveled from my mouth to my neck and then to my breasts where he kissed and kneaded with a sweet determination that I had only imagined. My body began to lose its restraint as I let it all wash over me. I am sure that I am blushing now telling you how my first orgasm was so intense. My only coherent thought was that only my Brady could make me feel like this.  
  
Brady was so gentle and yet so passionate. When he entered me I only felt a momentary pain that soon subsided into a pleasure that cannot be described with words. The once gentle tempo soon gave way to a more demanding pace. I could feel my body tighten again as we both went over the edge together.  
  
**********  
  
It is hard for me to describe the next two weeks. Brady and I opened up to each other and explored the new facets of our relationship. Everything seemed perfect.  
  
We sat one evening wrapped up in each other's arms on the fire escape outside his apartment. He was lazily running his hand along my leg. I wanted that moment to last forever with its quiet simplicity and security.  
  
"I've been thinking…" Brady began to say.  
  
"Well I have heard that you could do that," I laughed.  
  
"I have been thinking about us and this summer silly," he said taking a moment to nuzzle my neck.  
  
"And what conclusion did you come to?"  
  
"Why don't we head down to the beach? We could get away from Salem and just relax and enjoy each others company for a while."  
  
His breath was hot against my neck as his voice sang to me. I could not think of anything I would rather do. 


	3. Alone

Chapter 3  
  
The day that Brady and I were to leave dawned bright. I could barely wait to escape the confines of Salem and all it seemed to hold. Yet 8:00 am came and went and there was no sign of Brady. I thought that he must have had to run an errand; something important could be the only reason that he was not here. The time seemed to pass slowly and quickly all at the same time. Images plagued my mind as I wondered where he was. It was then that I heard a knock at the door and standing the place of Brady was Belle. Tears filled her eyes as she questioned me as to why her brother was gone for good this time. I could not respond coherently. All I could think of was he had left…abandoned me. I was alone again.  
  
  
  
Belle's voice brings me back to the present. She was hugging me and congratulating me. I could not believe that college was over. That was it, four years and a boring ceremony were all I had of the hard work. Belle has a way about her. Despite the pomp and circumstance this moment should be having, Belle looks like a child with a new toy. Her bouncing and smiling is contagious though and I join in the celebration.  
  
When I look at Belle I am reminded of those first few months after Brady disappeared. It is hard to imagine a worse pain than that I felt in my empty heart. Not long after he left I received the news that I was pregnant. It was a hodgepodge of emotions as I was excited, scared and even angry. I knew from the start that I would do anything to raise my baby on my own. I couldn't fathom him or her having the same kind of childhood that I had endured. Looking back, it was my baby that gave me the strength to go on after Brady left. Had Jocelyn not been conceived, I probably would have turned into one of those crazy old women with 40 cats who chases children out of her overgrown vegetable gardens while the strains of old operas blare in the background. I became determined. I enrolled at Salem University with Belle, Shawn and Mimi. I worked at Dot.com after classes each day and studied at night. It wasn't easy but there really was no other option for me. I can't say that all of this helped me to forget Brady Black but it did assuage the unbearable pain that he left me with.  
  
After Jocelyn was born I decided that I would never speak ill of her father. I did not want her to know what turmoil I felt. I have always spoken of him with kindness and compassion for her sake anyway. She thinks of him as a prince in fairy tale. It's funny because I used to think of him that way too.  
  
John and Marlena came to the hospital after Jocelyn was born. He was so apologetic of Brady's absence and I could the pain in his own eyes over the loss of his son. Maybe Brady wasn't gone forever, but I knew John was missing his son just as much as I did. They so wanted to be a part of Jocelyn's life and I am happy that they are. They also agreed that should Brady contact them in the future they would not mention Jocelyn. Call it pride if you will, I did not want Brady to return to Salem out of obligation, but instead out of love.  
  
Entering my apartment after graduation was somewhat of a let down. We had a small celebration at the Brady Pub where Belle and Shawn were doted over with the affection of the entire Brady and Horton families. After they announced to the ecstatic crowd their engagement, I slipped out with Jocelyn. As much as I love them both, it is hard to watch two people in love the way they are. Jocelyn fell asleep in the back of my car as I drove home. It had been quite a day for her too and she greeted it the same way she does everyday. For having two brooding and sulky parents that she does, Jocelyn is remarkably upbeat and quite the little socialite.  
  
It is when she is asleep that she reminds me of Brady the most. Her deep blue eyes may be covered but she has such a peaceful look on her face. She even turns up one corner of her mouth into a slight smirk that is just like what he would do when he tried not to laugh at something. She has the same nervous tendency to run one hand through her blonde curls when she has been caught doing something bad. At first it was hard to see his likeness in her, but now I can feel grateful for the reminders that have been left behind.  
  
  
  
It was later that night that I began to doubt my sanity. I was curled up on the couch reading a new Mary Higgins Clark novel when I heard the sounds of Belle and Mimi returning home next door. Mimi's high punctuated giggling and Belle's delighted squeal broke through my tranquility as they obviously saw something that they liked. It was then that I heard a masculine voice. My mind reasoned that it had to be Shawn who was known to spend the night over at Belle's occasionally (ok more than occasionally, he was like the third roommate.). Yet the rapid pace of my heart and the tingling sensation I felt was not from Shawn's good-natured voice but it was the same reaction when I used to hear Brady's voice. I was in shock for it was either him or I was soon to be a patient of Dr. Marlena Evans- Black. 


	4. Am I Crazy?

Chapter 4  
  
I sat on the couch long after the three voices faded. Imagining all sorts of scenarios I was completely frozen in my thoughts. I considered bursting through the door and venting every piece of anger I had ever felt on Brady. I even considered talking loudly as though there were a man in my apartment so that maybe he would feel a twinge of jealousy. None of those plans seemed to strike the right chord, nor did they seem any better for my sanity. I didn't even know if that was Brady or if my mind was just playing tricks on me. It was confusing, I had never understood the reason for Brady's sudden departure and neither had Belle. We had spent many a late night gossip fest skirting around the issue. Yet still it remained.  
  
Then it dawned on me. If it was Brady that I had heard in the hallway it meant he was back in Salem. It meant I might have to face him and all the demons that he would surely bring with him. My mind ran rampant with the possibilities. What if he was married now? What if he was really an axe murderer? What if….  
  
I shook the thoughts from my head as I snuggled further into the plush cushions of the plaid couch. Although the evening was warm, I burrowed under a light throw. I always felt safer and more at home with a cover over me. Staring at page 157 of my novel, I realized I had not even turned the page for 15 minutes. Laughing I forced myself to read through the chapter, hoping that the words would take me to a world where I was not as unsure of as this one. However, the contentment I had felt earlier from having some time alone to read was now diminished. I knew that in the morning I would have no recollection of what I had just read.  
  
Then I heard the voice again, this time directly outside my door. It was his voice. It had to be. I could not just be imagining it. His voice was the same and resonated with the confidence I had always considered his trademark. "I'll be right back Tink just let me get my bag."  
  
That did it. I knew that Brady was the only one that called Belle "Tink." Not only was it him, but he was only feet away from me. If I ran I could catch up with him, but my feet remained immobile. Instead of doing something dramatic and letting my presence be known, I closed my eyes and waited to see if I heard his voice again. I cursed and thanked the builders of the apartment building at the same time. The lack of insulation made private conversations hard. I knew I should go to bed, but sleep was not going to come easily knowing that the man who still ruled my dreams and desires was so close by. My bedroom shared a wall with Mimi and Belle's living room where they would surely be talking to Brady.  
  
A small noise of the sheets rustling in my daughter's bedroom caused my mouth to go dry. Jocelyn. How was I going to explain Jocelyn?  
  
I awoke in the morning hunched under the light throw and my book dangling in my hand over the edge of the sofa. Light crept through the blinds and made my eyes hurt with its thoughtless intrusion. I had a few minutes of peace before I remembered my reason for being on the couch. I had not wanted to be any closer to Brady. Staring at the coffee pot, I urged myself to get up and get ready for the day before Jocelyn woke up. I had promised her a trip to the zoo for being so good during my graduation and the party after.  
  
I knew that the moment her eyes popped open and her feet hit the floor she would be ready to go. I stretched my arms in front of me considering my predicament. While it was true that Brady was back in Salem, I had no idea of what his plans included. I didn't even know if he wanted to see me. I knew that I had to take Jocelyn out that day and wanted to avoid him at all costs. My mind began to work through plans when a loud knocking came to my attention.  
  
Mimi stood in my doorway. Her hair was tousled and her make-up was off. The look on her face was one of trepidation as she tried to figure out what to say to me. I invited her in and began preparing coffee while she rambled about the previous day. The ceremony. The party. The announcement of the engagement. Then with a sigh she said that Belle got a surprise when she returned home last night. Standing outside of her door was Brady. Mimi assured me that neither Belle nor herself had told Brady of me living so close with Jocelyn. I was silent during her ramblings, nodding and smiling at appropriate times. Then she asked me the question I dreaded. "Do you want to see him?"  
  
I didn't know the answer. I knew that part of me was very angry with the man who had promised me the moon and then disappeared. There was another part of me that would always love him but I didn't know how strong that love was. I only knew that I wanted answers. Mimi's eyes implored an answer from me. Somehow I got the strength to nod my head yes again. I didn't know what seeing Brady again would do to me but I did know that it would be easier to have the answers than play the what if game. 


	5. At first sight

Chapter 5  
  
I began to pace the length of my eat-in kitchen know that I only had a few minutes left. Mimi was in Jocelyn's bedroom reading her a story and discussing what she had seen at the zoo this morning. I could hear my daughter's laughter from the bedroom and wondered for just a moment what it would be like if Brady and I were together and he had never left. I could picture him and I playing in the park with her and tucking her in at night. I could imagine even the worst days being better with him around. Then reality reared its ugly head. He had not been around for me or for Jocelyn. He didn't know what a beautiful daughter he had and I wasn't sure what his reaction would be to her.  
  
Time crept by. I could see the digital clock on the microwave now showing 7:04. Belle was to bring Brady back to her apartment after dinner. She had told me to come by with a handful of Belle and Mimi's mail that had accidentally been placed in the wrong mail slot. I was just doing a good deed. I would see Brady and if I felt comfortable I would speak. That was a big if. In my heart I knew that this was all going to be a huge mistake but I couldn't say no. I had the opportunity to show him that I had made it fine on my own. No I wasn't the opera singing diva I had longed to be but I had a better life than I ever imagined possible. I had to let him know that while his leaving hurt it did not destroy me. Most of all I wanted him to know that when he left he walked out on what could have been a wonderful life for him and I both. I knew that I could not sound bitter or hateful. That would show him how much I did care. I knew that I had to be strong and independent. The staccato steps of Belle's high-heeled pumps made me realize that the time had come. I could hear the heavy footsteps of Brady following his sister and the mumbled voices as they made conversation. I knew that I should wait a minute and then go to her door. It was a long minute.  
  
So there I stood my hand poised just to the right of Mimi and Belle's apartment number. My palms were sweaty with the pent up nervousness that was plaguing me at that moment. Sighing heavily I made contact with the door. It took every bit of strength I had to stand there and wait for Belle to answer. I knew what was awaiting me on the other side of the door and it blew my mind to think that I was walking into this. The door flew open and standing there instead of a petite friendly blonde was the man I was no longer prepared to see. His smile faded as he looked at me. I guess he must have been shocked. I know that I was.  
  
My mouth felt full of saw dust as I spoke. I think it came out in bits and pieces not full and coherent sentences. I think I might have mentioned Belle's name and mail but that was the full extent of my vocabulary. So much for eloquent statements of how wonderfully I am doing without him and how I hoped he dropped off of a cliff. Instead I am sure I sounded as fragmented as the foreign exchange student living downstairs. Brady didn't speak he merely looked a Belle whose eyes were red from crying. As she made her way to me I could see a small stack of photographs in her hand. She tried to look me in the eye but I could tell that something was troubling her. Instead she reached her free hand out and took the mail. Her voice cracked as she explained that she would have to talk to me later. Now was not a good time for her.  
  
I took a step back realizing that something must be horribly wrong for Belle not to be her upbeat self. I could not put my finger on the cause of her distress but I knew that somehow my meeting with Brady would have to wait. Little did I realize at the time that the forces that drove Brady away from me were now swirling again.  
  
  
  
Mimi was shocked when I came back so early. When I had no answers for her scores of questions, she kissed Jocelyn's cheek and rushed out the door. Since high school Mimi has considered herself to be somewhat of a detective. She was planning on going to graduate school to pursue a career in criminal psychology. I think she has just been in Salem too long.  
  
Realizing that my moment lucidity would have to wait for a more opportune time, I began to get Jocelyn ready for bed. We had early morning planned and I knew that she needed her sleep. It also happened that I needed a distraction. I replayed the earlier scene in my mind. Brady's face went from one of serenity to one of shock and finally as I left he seemed to avoiding looking at me all together. It was hard to understand. He was the one who left me why would it bother him so much. Brady never did anything he didn't want to do nor did he say anything he didn't want to say. I couldn't fathom that he felt remorse it must have just been the surprise of seeing me again.  
  
After Jocelyn was tucked in with her prayers said and her story read, I sat down to contemplate my next move. It was disconcerting to think that I had been that close to him and had not been able to tell him off like I longed to do. Instead my attention went directly to his finely chiseled features. Why on earth had God made that man so good looking? Why couldn't he have crossed eyes or a wart on his nose? Why hadn't his muscles fallen to atrophy? Why hadn't he developed a beer belly or spare tire? I knew that the next time I saw him, if I ever saw him again, I would not be any less influenced by his perfect features and physique.  
  
Mimi returned to my apartment just as I was considering sleep. Her demeanor was also changed. Her eyes were dark and unfeeling as she stared at me explaining that Belle was sorry but there was no need for me to see Brady tonight or any other night.  
  
"What do you mean NO NEED?" I screamed at Mimi.  
  
"Please keep your voice down," Mimi whispered. "I just didn't want you to be in the dark. Belle thinks it is better if you stay away from Brady and move on."  
  
"Mimi, is she nuts? I didn't look Brady up. You two concocted this stupid plan for me to see him not me." Tears were beginning to form in the corners of my eyes and my voice was cracking. "I knew it would be hard to see him again and yet I did it because you guys thought it was such a brilliant idea."  
  
"Well it wasn't such a good idea."  
  
"I guess not, Mimi. Can you at least tell me why Belle was so upset when I came by?"  
  
Mimi appeared to be considering my question. She seemed torn and nervous as she peered at the door to her apartment. I knew that Belle and Brady were sitting behind that door and even though the distance had not physically changed it seemed farther away than it had a few moments ago. "She knows Chloe and so do I," Mimi finally sputtered out.  
  
"You know what?" This was making no sense to me. Mimi was looking more agitated than friendly then.  
  
"I don't want to discuss it now, but we know about that summer. I know that things are different now, but I don't think that Belle or Brady will ever be willing to forgive you." Mimi turned on her heel and walked back to her own door. She didn't look at me as she walked into the apartment. I couldn't stop her for I had no words strong enough. 


End file.
